I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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