I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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