It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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