Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
