i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
