i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
this is an emotional support booty call
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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