Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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