there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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