There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
