Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
