what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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