she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are a genius and a whore.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
