Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
