i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
