I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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