What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize