Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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