i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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