I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
