my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
