i already hear my dad disowning me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
