she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You made out with two different species that night
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
