I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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