I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
