So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
