I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
