got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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