i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
