well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
