Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
