you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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