we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
