Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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