she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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