believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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