Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
