even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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