I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
