living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
