and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
