so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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