This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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