By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
