I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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