When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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