Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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