Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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