Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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