My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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