You made me cry and you don't even care
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
