do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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