So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
