Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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