I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We need to rekindle our bromance
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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