omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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