she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
