I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
