next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
